Three months after my divorce, I promised my five-year-old son that Christmas would still feel like Christmas. Then I came home one night to find our decorations destroyed.
The first thing I felt was the silence.
Not a soft and calm silence.
My Christmas lights had disappeared.
Deadly silence.
I went into the garage and stared. My Christmas lights were gone.
They weren’t crooked. Not even half-lit. They simply weren’t there.
The roof was bare. The porch railings were empty.
The wreath that he had tied to the front column with wire had disappeared.
In the middle of the courtyard lay my tall green pine tree.
The plastic candy canes on the sidewalk were broken and piled up next to the bushes.
Even the white lights that had been wrapped around the maple tree were torn off, leaving the bark scraped.
In the middle of the garden lay my long green pine tree. Cleanly cut in half.
I’m 47 years old. Recently divorced. Single mother. I’ve learned to “keep calm” as if it were a second job.
But my chest got so hot so fast that it scared me.
So every night, after work, I’d been out here with numb fingers
We had moved into this house three months earlier, after the divorce. New school for Ella, my five-year-old daughter. New routines. Everything new.
I had promised him one thing:
“Christmas will still feel like Christmas, I swear.”
So every night, after work, I’d been out here with numb fingers, struggling with stupid plastic tweezers. My nose was running, my toes were cold, and my patience was wearing thin. She “helped” by passing me ornaments and giving orders.
Now our “shine” looked like garbage day.
“This one’s shy, Mom. Put her in the middle. This one needs friends. Don’t leave him alone.” And always: “Christmas has to shine. That’s the rule.”
Now our “shine” looked like garbage day.
I walked up towards the entrance, dazed. The torn plastic crunched under my boots.
Near the last step, I saw a red piece of decoration.
Ella’s ornament. The one with her thumbprint from preschool. Broken in half.
I hadn’t put it there.
My throat closed up.
I pulled out my phone. I wasn’t sure if it was 911 or a “furious non-emergency call,” but I was prepared for something.
Then I saw it.
Sitting on the top step, as if someone had carefully placed him there.
That’s when I saw the muddy boot prints.
Un pequeño ángel de madera. Alas talladas. Una simple cara pintada.
Yo no lo había puesto allí. Ni siquiera había desembalado la caja.
Sentí punzadas de frío en los brazos.
Fue entonces cuando vi las huellas de botas llenas de barro.
Empezaban en la columna del porche donde había estado la corona, bajaban los escalones, cruzaban la acera… Directas hacia la entrada de mi vecina.
El día que nos mudamos, ella vigilaba el camión desde su porche como un guardia de seguridad.
Por supuesto. Marlene.
En su buzón pone “MARLENE” en viejas letras de metal que parece que llevan ahí desde los años 70. El día que nos mudamos, vigilaba el camión desde su porche como un guardia de seguridad.
“Espero que no piensen hacer mucho ruido”, dijo.
Sin “hola”. Ni una sonrisa.
“A algunas personas les gusta tener la acera despejada”.
La segunda vez, Ella estaba fuera dibujando estrellas con tiza.
Marlene se acercó, frunció el ceño y dijo: “A algunas personas les gusta tener la acera despejada”.
Me reí, porque ¿qué otra cosa se puede hacer con eso? Entonces puse luces de Navidad.
Ella comentaba desde su porche casi todas las noches.:
“Es… mucho”.
“Sabes que la gente duerme en esta calle, ¿verdad?”.
Supuse que no era más que el Grinch del vecindario.
“Esos intermitentes parecen baratos. Sólo digo eso”.
Pensé que no era más que el Grinch del vecindario.
Al parecer, había decidido subir de nivel.
Por fin la ira pudo con la sorpresa. Marché por el césped con las manos temblorosas.
Gracias a Dios, Ella seguía en la guardería.
Volví a golpearla.
No quería que viera nada de esto.
En el porche de Marlene, no me molesté en darle un golpecito cortés.
Golpeé.
Tres golpes fuertes que hicieron sonar la puerta.
Nada.
Volví a golpearla.
Había estado llorando.
La cerradura chasqueó. La puerta se abrió una rendija. Marlene se asomó.
Y el discurso que había ensayado en mi cabeza murió.
Había estado llorando. Tenía los ojos rojos e hinchados. Tenía las mejillas manchadas. Llevaba el pelo gris recogido en un moño desordenado, como si se hubiera dado por vencida.
“Estás aquí”, graznó. “Claro que estás aquí”.
“Sé lo que he hecho”.
“¿Qué le has hecho a mi casa?”. Se me quebró la voz al decir “casa”.
Se estremeció como si la hubiera abofeteado.
“Yo… no pude”.
“¿No pudiste qué? Me cortaste el cable. Me arrancaste las luces. Rompiste el adorno de mi hija. ¿Lo entiendes?”.
“Sé lo que hice”, soltó.
Una fina línea de sangre seca en un dedo.
Abrió más la puerta. Entonces vi sus manos. Los nudillos raspados. Una fina línea de sangre seca en un dedo. Como si hubiera estado luchando con ganchos y alambres.
“Entra”, dijo de repente. “Deberías verlo. Quizá entonces entiendas por qué hice lo peor”.
Todos los podcasts de crímenes que he escuchado gritaron en mi cabeza.
Pero su cara no era de satisfacción. Estaba destrozada.
Entonces vi la pared.
I went inside. Her house smelled of dust and old perfume. The curtains were drawn. The lamps were on, but the light was still dim. Everything was tidy but frozen, as if no one had moved a picture frame in years.
Then I saw the wall.
Dozens of framed photos.
A child wearing a Santa hat, smiling.
Three small socks hung beneath the photos.
A boy in a plaid shirt holding a fire truck.
A teenage girl in a red choir robe.
The three children together on a sofa, buried in gift paper.
A family photo in front of a Christmas tree. A man with kind eyes. Marlene. Three children. Smiling as if nothing bad could happen. Three small stockings hung beneath the photos.
“December 23rd”.
BEN.
LUCY.
TOMMY.
“My God,” I whispered.
“Twenty years,” Marlene said beside me, wrapping her arms around herself. “December 23rd.”
“They never arrived.”
Her voice sounded weak.
“My husband was taking the children to my sister’s house. I had to work late. I told them I’d meet them there.” She stared at the photos. “They never arrived.”
Silence buzzed around us.
“I’m so sorry,” I said.
“That’s why you…”
It seemed like little to me, but it was all I had.
She let out a short, staccato laugh. “Everyone says that. Then they go home and complain about tangled lights.”
I shifted, feeling as if I had stepped onto holy ground with mud-caked boots.
“That’s why you…” I pointed toward my garden. “My lights?”
She nodded slightly.
“I understand that it hurts.”
“Every year,” he said. “The songs, the advertisements, the neighbors. The inflatable Santa Claus on the street. People talking about ‘magic’ and ‘joy’.”
He swallowed.
“It’s as if the whole world is celebrating and I’m at a funeral.”
“I understand that it hurts you. I really do. But you can’t ruin my daughter’s Christmas. I have a five-year-old girl. Her name is Ella. This year has already been awful for her.”
“What do you mean by that?”
Marlene’s eyes snapped shut.
“I know”.
A chill settled in my chest. “What do you mean you know?”
He finally looked at me. “Your girl is talking.”
My heart beat faster. “Her?”
“She told me she misses her father.”
“Sometimes he sits on the stairs of your house after school. He sings. He talks to the penguin he carries in his backpack.”
I pictured Ella on the porch, swinging her legs, humming.
“She told me she misses her father,” Marlene continued. “She said she’s trying to help you be happy. She said your lights make the house look like a ‘birthday castle.'”
“And you still cut them?”
My eyes were burning. “And you still cut them?”
Marlene se estremeció. “Intenté no hacerlo. Cerré las cortinas. Subí el volumen de la televisión. Me puse tapones en los oídos. No importó”.
Señaló con la cabeza un sillón reclinable desgastado.
“Anoche me quedé dormida en ese sillón. Soñé con mi hijo menor. Tommy. Tenía cinco años otra vez. Pijama de reno. Me llamaba desde el asiento trasero”.
” Simplemente… estallé”.
Se le quebró la voz.
“Me desperté, y tus luces parpadeaban a través de las cortinas, y sonaba alguna canción navideña, y la gente se reía fuera, y yo simplemente… estallé”.
Abrió las manos, vacías.
“Lo siento muchísimo”, dijo. “Nunca quise hacer daño a tu hijita. Simplemente no podía respirar”.
Nos quedamos allí, dos mujeres en un salón en penumbra, rodeadas de fantasmas y malas decisiones.
Sollozó en mi hombro.
Entonces hice la cosa menos “yo” de todas. La abracé.
Se quedó paralizada y se derrumbó sobre mí como si algo en ella se hubiera desplomado. Sollozó en mi hombro. Yo lloré en su jersey. Fue incómodo, crudo y extraño.
Cuando nos separamos, las dos estábamos hechas un desastre.
Me limpié la cara y pensé en el adorno agrietado de Ella.
“Yo… yo no celebro Navidad”.
“Vale”, dije, todavía resoplando. “Esto es lo que va a pasar”.
Marlene parpadeó como si no estuviera segura de haber oído bien.
“Vas a salir y me vas a ayudar a arreglar las luces”, le dije.
Abrió mucho los ojos. “Yo… yo no celebro Navidad”.
“Lo haremos”, le dije.
“No tenemos una ‘abuela de Navidad'”.
Una sonrisa renuente y diminuta se dibujó en su boca.
“Y”, añadí, “si puedes soportarlo, vendrás en Nochebuena”.
Sacudió la cabeza.
“No. Lo estropearé”.
“No lo harás”, dije. “No vas a sentarte aquí sola mirando medias mientras mi hija está al lado preguntando por qué no tenemos una ‘abuela de Navidad'”.
“Juntas lo haremos fatal”.
“¿Una qué?”, susurró ella.
“Sus palabras. Echa de menos a mi madre. No para de decir que le gustaría que pudiéramos ‘pedir prestada una abuela de Navidad’ para que le enseñara viejas canciones”.
Los ojos de Marlene volvieron a llenarse.
“Yo no canto”.
“Perfecto. Yo tampoco. Juntas lo haremos fatal”.
“Lo estamos arreglando”.
Se echó a reír.
Aquella tarde, recogí a Ella y me preparé para girar en nuestra calle. Ella vio la casa y me agarró la mano.
“Se arruinaron las luces”.
“Lo vamos a arreglar”, dije.
Marlene estaba en el porche con una caja de luces, con cara de querer quedarse y huir a la vez. Ella la miró fijamente.
“Tú eres la señora a la que no le gustan las luces”.
“Tú eres la señora a la que no le gusta las luces”, dijo ella.
Casi me muero en el acto. Las mejillas de Marlene se pusieron rojas.
“Antes sí. Hace mucho tiempo”.
Ella ladeó la cabeza. “¿Quieres que te vuelvan a gustar?”.
“You can help. But you have to be kind to our house.”
She could see how the question hit Marlene right in the chest.
“Maybe”.
“Okay,” Ella said briskly. “You can help. But you have to be kind to our house.”
“I will,” Marlene said.
We spent the next hour outside, bundled up, rehanging what we could salvage.
“I’m the boss.”
She handed us tweezers like she was a little boss.
“Mom’s doing the stairs,” she decided. “Marlene’s doing the sides. I’m the boss.”
“Obviously,” I said.
Marlene worked silently, her face deep in concentration. Her hands were still trembling slightly. She hooked the wooden angel onto a new branch above the porch.
The tree remained in darkness.
When we finally got everything connected, the porch and railings glowed again. Not as bright as before, but warm and steady. The tree remained in darkness. Marlene stared at the lights, her eyes sparkling in the reflection.
“For a second,” she whispered, “it seems as if they were here.”
I bumped his shoulder with mine. “Maybe they are.”
“You’ve come!”
On Christmas Eve, she appeared at our door wearing a navy blue sweater and black pants, holding a tin of store-bought cookies like a shield. She stood on the porch. She slammed the door open.
“You’ve come!” he shouted.
“You said there would be cookies,” Marlene said, holding up the can.
“Sit next to me,” Ella ordered. “It’s the rule.”
He did so.
“What were their names?”
We ate at my worn kitchen table: ham, green beans, instant mashed potatoes. Nothing fancy. Just hot and filling. Marlene shifted as if afraid of breaking the moment. At one point, Ella looked at her.
“What were their names? The boys in the socks.”
The air was still. Marlene looked at me. I nodded once.
“Ben,” she said softly. “Lucy. Tommy.”
“Ben. Lucy. Tommy.”
She repeated the names as if they were important.
“Ben. Lucy. Tommy.”
Then he smiled.
“You can share our Christmas. We have room.”
Later, we sat in the living room, with three blinking lights and some cheesy movie playing at low volume.
She climbed onto Marlene’s lap as if she’d been doing it all her life.
“Now you’re our Christmas grandmother.”
“Now you’re our Christmas grandmother,” she announced. “That means you can’t feel lonely.”
Marlene’s arms encircled her as if they had been empty for too long.
“I’ll try”.
That night, after putting Ella to bed, I went out onto the porch. The lights we had rehung shone softly in the darkness. The little wooden angel twirled in the breeze, its wings catching the light.
Our house is not the brightest in the neighborhood.
Across the street, through a gap in Marlene’s curtain, she could see the edge of that photomural. It was still there. It still weighed heavily.
But at last, those names had been spoken aloud in my kitchen, over mashed potatoes and cheap biscuits. My daughter had made room for them.
Our house isn’t the brightest in the neighborhood.
It’s not perfect.
The tree is crooked. The wreath hangs a little off-center. But every night, when the timer clicks and the lights come on, our little house glows softly and tenaciously in the darkness.
It’s not perfect. It’s not painless. It’s just alive.
And for the first time in a long time —for me, for Marlene, maybe even for Ben, Lucy and Tommy— it feels like Christmas again.
Our little house glows softly and tenaciously in the darkness.
If this happened to you, what would you do? We’d love to hear your thoughts in the Facebook comments.
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